haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Couch. On fire.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
