Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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