I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
