So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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