i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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