He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
