eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
