Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Hippo gnu deer
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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