I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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