You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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