i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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