if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
