How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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