I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
