last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
