my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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