you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
