Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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