from now on my penis is your penis
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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