you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
