NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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