New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Actions speak louder than pants.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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