I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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