Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I believe in your delicious
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
