My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
True strength comes from lack of pants
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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