Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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