Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
