just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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