So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
