So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
