I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Randomize
