If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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