trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
