If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
