so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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