Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
