I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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