im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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