i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
