the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
