She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
