My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
