if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
