In America we eat man semen.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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