so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
