I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
