I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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