I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Blood and glitter go together right?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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