i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize