I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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