careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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