If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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