You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
