Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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