He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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