While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
