When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
