I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Someone shattered a urinal.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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