Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
