Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I need to stop coming to work sober
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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