I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
