haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
