a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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